Hello! I wrote something, now can I have your opinion?

Jumps right into the heart of things, doesn't it? You may have too much information in too small a space. Slow down and take the time to develop your characters so that when they have trials, conflict, or success, the reader will actually care. We don't know this girl Kerry (other than that she's a real bummer at a party), so why should we care who asks her to dance? Keep writing-good luck.